Here To Help
by A Star In My Universe
Summary: "I'm here to help. I even have rubber bands to put into your big hair for when you puke." Red has always been important, vital even, and so when her most troubled daughter pushes her away, she doesn't know what to do for the best. Red/Nicky


" _I'm here to help. I even have rubber bands to put into your big hair for when you puke."_

" _Actually, Red, I got this."_

" _I got this? What does that mean?"_

Red's eyes hardened despite her pride of the girl sitting in front of her. If nothing else, throughout her whole life, Red had been important, useful – vital, even. In her business, she had been the one to suggest what to do and Dmitri blindly followed her instructions. When they raised their sons, it was Red who made all of the hard decisions – what school, what college, what now. In the prison, she was responsible for feeding everyone. She took pride in the food she served, never satisfied with a mediocre job. With Nicky, that had been the case. She had stumbled into Litchfield, her brown eyes reminiscent of the hunted deer Red had to suffer through one night a week on the Discovery channel. Red had watched her, her instincts screaming at her to reach out to her, but playing the waiting game.

 _All there was to her was a mess of big hair that looked in need of a good brushing. Her arms were akin to twigs, and her eyes darted like she couldn't stop them. She hopped from foot to foot, and her hand rubbed at the back of her neck irately. It was a hard sight to witness, but like a train wreck, Red couldn't pull her eyes away. She bit her lip, her eyes crinkling in concern._

 _Their eyes locked from across the room. Red resisted the urge to look away, ashamed to be staring at the girl who clearly needed help for something. From someone who cared enough to see it through. "Another junkie," remarked Gina, glancing at Red. "Seems there's nothing else these days."_

" _Mm." Red nodded, but still didn't tear her eyes away. Gina was right, so why was this one different?_

Now? Well, she was redundant here. Nicky was sat in front of her, and she'd got past the hardest part of detoxing all by herself. She didn't need her. Selfishly, Red had looked forward to nursing Nicky through this time. If it had to happen, then Red was more than happy to bring her daughter back to health, and, though she wouldn't admit it, it felt nice to be wanted. Red's expression changed to one of regret as she imagined her girl hunched over in the showers, puking alone through the night. She should've been there to hold back that big hair, to stroke her burning forehead, to tell her that everything would be okay. Instead of admitting all of this, Red forced a smile. "I'm proud of you." Red didn't know if she imagined the slouch of Nicky's shoulders as she accepted this without question, but she didn't ask.

As Red made dinner, she felt her spirits lifting. Her family was coming together again. Lorna had married a good man. The wedding had been hard to watch, Red's mind often flitting to Nicky even as the vows were read out, but Lorna was happy. Gina had long forgiven Red, and happily helped her with work. Norma had her own following now, and even if Red didn't appreciate the wonder of it, she was pleased for Norma. And now Nicky.

Red stopped stirring the pot she stood over, sweat beading on her brow. Truthfully, Red didn't know what to think about Nicky. The only thing that stood solid was her feelings. Briefly she wondered how this broken girl had managed to come in and make herself so loveable in her eyes. Red didn't know; Nicky had simply come along and swept up the broken remains of Red's heart and held them in her arms, close to her chest. The evidence was clear; Red's love was littered in all aspects of Nicky's life. It presented itself in the strawberry yogurt – Nicky's favorite – that Red slid over the table on the days when Nicky didn't like the food, normally a sin to admit. It showed up in the knitted blanket on Nicky's bed, a birthday present that had taken weeks of late nights even if Red had to get up in the morning. It was handed over with no fuss. Red hadn't wanted people telling her that she was going soft. Nicky simply woke up on her birthday feeling a lot warmer than her bunkmate, with a smile on her face as she thanked Red quietly by helping her in the kitchen. No, Red's feelings would always be the same, but her mind whirled with the wonder if this really was the time where Nicky could get clean and stay clean. She would do anything to make that happen – as far as she was concerned, Nicky was her daughter, in or out of prison.

It didn't take long to find out.

Nicky's eyes rolled in the back of her head as she leaned against the filthy shower wall. Red sighs internally. She knew full well that this was Nicky and Lorna's cubicle. Heaving another sigh, Red bent to pull Nicky up, attempting to stem the gasp that escapes from her throat as a shooting pain strikes like lightning up her spine. "Please just leave me alone," Nicky pleads.

Red doesn't listen – when does Red ever? – and pulls Nicky up with one final wave of strength, ignoring her groans. They stumble blindly in the dark to Red's bunk. Chapman wouldn't say anything to the COs and Red trusted her enough not to interrupt this moment. Sure enough, the moment they found their way to Red's bed, Piper simply helped get Nicky sat down and retreated to the safety of her own bed.

Red pulls Nicky closer to her, her back leaning against Red's chest. Red wonders if Nicky can feel her thudding heart, if it made Nicky's own heart thud. She wondered if it made her feel guilty. Red felt pangs of guilt in her own core. Her inner demons screamed at her, yelling things that Red had already told herself a million times before as she lay in bed at night staring at the blank ceiling.

 _You couldn't help Tricia, and you can't help her._

 _Some mother you turned out to be._

 _Soon there'll be a slab with Nichols printed on it. And no matter how cold she gets, you won't be able to kiss that face ever again._

Red groans, her feelings eroding at her surface as she rocked Nicky in her arms. Tears poured down her own face despite her attempts to not let the emotions overwhelm her. She wraps her own blanket around Nicky as if a mother swaddling her infant. Somehow the motion calms them both. "What am I going to do with you?" Red laughs humorlessly, looking up to the ceiling in an attempt to stop her tears. If nothing else, she would be strong for her beautiful girl.

Nicky shakes her head, her hair tickling Red's neck. Red absently strokes Nicky's hair, pulling at the strands and twisting them into little braids. Her fingers linger at Nicky's temples as she rubs small circles. An attempt at comfort that Nicky accepts without question. "I don't know," Nicky says shakily, her voice hollow and raspy. How had this little girl, no more than five foot three, managed to cause her more trouble than three boys?

"I don't know either." Red shakes her head, planting small kisses on Nicky's forehead. "I thought I'd lost you to max," she admits. "I won't lose you to drugs. Don't you know by now? When you hit self-destruct, I'll be there, protecting you. Whatever stupid, shit things happen to you – they'll impact me too. I won't let you do this alone."

Nicky closes her eyes, relaxing in Red's arms although the guilt is eating away at her. Her hands shake as she runs her fingers through her hair. "I don't want to hurt you." Nicky whispers. "It's best for everyone if you just kick me out of the family…just do what you've gotta do. I understand. Marka did."

"Oh, _malyshka,_ you don't understand. You're not a mother, and neither is Marka." Red combs her red fingernails through Nicky's hair, and sighs. "I can't just let you go when you're a part of me."

"I haven't got this." Nicky admits. Her voice tapers away at the end shamefully, and she hangs her head, biting her dry lip. "I never did. But you trusted me. You said you were proud. And I did what I always do – I fucked it up."

"I am always proud of you. Always rooting for you. No matter how many times you mess up." Red sighs and continues. "But sometimes you need help. And you're never too old to need your mother's help."

Nicky wavers for a moment, her resolve of doing this all by herself weakening. "Will…will you help me?" Her eyes flicker up shamefully.

"Always, _malyshka_. You don't have to ask. You shouldn't have to. I should have known." Red smiles down at her daughter. She reaches into her pocket and smiles, dangling the small item in front of Nicky's eyes. "I'm here to help. I even have rubber bands to put into your big hair when you puke."

 **I just had to write this down! I'm on vacation at the moment and we were driving and I just got this in my head. Please tell me what you think it a review. :) I haven't proof-read it, it was rushed, but I hope you liked it nonetheless.**


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